This is probably the hardest blog entry for me to write. I don't have clear thoughts, so I am just going to write and see where I end up.
I have been in Colorado almost two months now. I am now by myself with just my two dogs. I bought a little motorcycle and decided I would head up the mountain around the Pikes Peak area to get back to nature which has always been a failsafe for me. In the past, when things were unclear or if the world became too much for me, I would simply go to nature and easily reconnect with myself and the things that are important to me in my life.
This trip not so much. I found being isolated with nature to be completely unbearable. I felt like I would explode. The silence was not golden. I tried to sit and be still with the trees, but watching the gentle swaying just made me sadder. I started to cry and the tears fell heavy. I don't think I can recall a time that I have cried like that, it was reminiscent of the emotion I felt when my grandmother who I adored died. I thought I would never stop. The sobbing continued until I couldn't catch my breath any longer. I am really sad. It's the sadness that lies deep and cuts your belly to bits. I decided I better do something active because this is killing me. There was still some daylight left and I decided maybe a bike ride would do me some good.
I drove about 8 Miles up the mountain, over some pretty rough terrain for this little bike. There was such incredible scenery that should have given me a great feeling of joy, but I just felt the emptiness of it all.
I sat in an open field that was nestled between the mountain and the trees and turned off my motorcycle. I took off my helmet and sat there and listened, to myself, to the birds, and to the wind. I leaned back against a tree and shut my eyes. I listened but heard no answers. My mind was whirling out of control. I felt anxious and started to get a headache. I raised my head and looked to my left and saw a huge buck making his way out of the tree line. Our eyes met. He looked at me out from under this enormous rack with strength and grace and we stared at each other. A million thoughts ran through my head. I became so overwhelmed. It was an amazing moment and I had no one to share it with and I began to cry. It was this moment I knew how lonely I am and that something had changed in me. Not just lonely but alone.
I used to love being alone. I wore my ability to do so like a badge. A badge of what? Independence. Toughness. I'm not really sure. A wall. A shield. Fear. I never felt I would have any problem being completely isolated and cut off from society. I welcomed it. Well our experiences in life change us and I guess that is a good thing although right now I'm not sure of anything. I need people and people need me and that is all I really know right now.
I watched as the buck continued on his way and decided I better be getting back as it would be getting dark soon and I just didnt feel like riding and my chest hurt and I was feeling very tired. I tried starting the bike and there was a problem with my throttle. Now all I can think is I am going to have to push this all the way back which was an exhausting and daunting thought. I have taken this little bike up over rocks, through mud and I was feeling really tired, my back and kidneys hurt from the rough ride. I eventually got it started and took off for the RV. The ride down was pretty hairy. I didn't have my contacts in so I couldnt see the terrain ahead very well. I made quite a few bad decisions with my route which was accompanied by quite a few very bad words echoing all the way back down the mountain. It seemed to be much harder going down and I was feeling tired, all my muscles were tightening up. I kept thinking, " Fuck, I'm old". "I dont remember riding being this hard."
I got back to the RV just before dark with about 5 minutes to spare. My throttle made the bike bog down and die all the way home. Thankfully, I made it back and by this time my helmet felt so heavy and my head was throbbing. All I wanted was it off my head. I was so exhausted. I had to sit on the steps and take off my helmet. The climb into the RV took everything I had. Something is very wrong. I collapsed on the bed. My head is pounding the world is spinning. I can't catch my breath. I think I am having a panic attack at first but the weakness is getting increasingly worse and now I'm feeling sick to my stomach. I have no strength and I tried getting out of bed and fell onto one knee. I have no balance and no strength. I pushed myself back up into bed. I'm just focusing on my breathing and that's all I remember. I woke up because I am going to throw up and I need to get to the bathroom. I am so weak I could barely get to the edge of the bed before the vomiting started. I threw up all over the old carpet I had cut in layers for easy disposal incase the dogs had an accident on the top layer I could just toss it. I never thought it would be me that would be having the accident. My head was throbbing,
however I did retain my sense of humor during the vomiting, I am feeling incredibly lonely and really struggling with the aloneness and I couldn't help but think God, I am glad I am alone right now. That is the last thing I remember until I woke up and it was light out.
I felt very groggy. The headache was still really bad and I am very weak. I am really ill. I have no phone signal where I am camping and I need to get out of here.
I was aware of elevation sickness and had no idea as to how severe it is to experience. It took me all day to try and get my motorcycle back inside and hook the RV battery up. The whole day is blurry. I drove down to a lower elevation and parked. I dont recall any of the drive down or the next few hours after I parked. I texted a friend to ask for a place to go.
I feel much better physically today, although I'm tired and drained. Pretty lifeless. I'm not in the greatest of places. I have no desire to go back into the woods. It was so empty. I don't want to go to Alaska by myself anymore. My world is upside down. I feel very lost. I am lost. I feel so alone. I am alone. I don't want pity. I don't want anything. I can't think clearly enough to want anything. I just want to tell my story. It's my journey and I own all of my story not just the funny parts. I feel very human. I have no direction anymore. I have no desire or interest in seeing any places. I need new dreams and I worry that I don't have any left. I'm going to go find my home.
Thanks for reading. Sorry it wasnt funny.